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Can I get somebody to critique this?

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/33568399/1%20-%20Prologue.doc

Read this and post your thoughts.

(And before you ask, yes, I am an aviation nutter.)

It could be a setting for an interesting story but I couldn't help the fact I was constantly thrown out of the immersion when you constantly reminded me it's just a story. Although it has some unique signature and maybe I'm not the guy to judge but somehow it became harder for me to connect to the story. It definitely has it's own charm though. You seem to go for a more humoristic approach. The tone is alright and using clichés to your advantage is also nice but in my opinion you should remind us less it's a story. It is alright to put such phrases as "Although the author of this narrative isn't the most creative individual, it is " in the beginning when you still have the title in mind but later on avoid such sentences and try to make the story more floating. The 3rd person narrative is ok BTW. It is also amazingly readable format wise.

Why would there be weapons on a routine flight?

That is what bothering you ? I mean ok I try to make sense of it all in my stories but cmon it's not the important part. Oh and congratz 2 ppl read your story , almost broke my record

Prototype wrote:Why would there be weapons on a routine flight?

Two words: charter flight.

(Or is it private flight? I'm not too sure what it's called, it's when you schedule a flight specifically for your purposes; in this case the guy is moving to Australia, or something.)

Iv, your advice is heeded. Revising.

EDIT: I think my approach is going to be to do the body of the story in 1st person, and leave the prologue as 3rd person and overly descriptive, in order to ensure that the reader is up to speed on the events of the story and because I'm just lazy).

I'll be honest here, I read the first paragraph and just failed to get hooked in at all. Your use of an external narrator to convey the protagonist's thoughts at the start is really disconcerting and like Iv said breaks the immersion a fair bit.

Also some grammar errors. I admire your tenacity though, you've already got 3 pages out.

3? I count 2, but I'm using AbiWord and LibreOffice, and that could affect it. I think I'll just post the rest in ODT.

EDIT: 1st person, mix of past tense and present tense.

EDIT 2: Biographical format.

EDIT 3: Care to point out some of the grammatical errors?

LAST EDIT: I modified the prologue and fixed some of the grammar. I'm about to reupload it in MS Word '03 format, which will hopefully reformat better. Hope you have Word (or LibreOffice, or AbiWord)!

Sorry for the bump / doublepost combo, but I redid the prologue. 1st chapter will take a while, say, a week.

Still laws regarding weapons on charter flights, but you could crowbar it in by saying it was smuggled or something, as long as you provide a reason as to why its there, that could be a pretty big WTF moment for people reading it.

Hey you know you could actually TURN him into a smuggler , and every smuggler needs a weap right ?

Iv121 wrote:Hey you know you could actually TURN him into a smuggler , and every smuggler needs a weap right ?

Or the weapon could have been carried by the secret government agent that had been on the flight because they'd ere there to kill him.

Or something

Well that goes a bit over the top, how would that agent end up on the plane ? and the weapon in his hands ? The smuggler idea is simpler and has an opening for some thrilling and humoristic adventure.

Iv121 wrote:Hey you know you could actually TURN him into a smuggler , and every smuggler needs a weap right ?

A Senior Airman of the USAF, with a BA and a BS, AND such a cool name, AND he's a smuggler? Crowbarring / implausible to the max. Although, the rest of the story is just as implausible, so maybe.

Tau wrote:A Senior Airman of the USAF, with a BA and a BS, AND such a cool name, AND he's a smuggler? Crowbarring / implausible to the max. Although, the rest of the story is just as implausible, so maybe.

If Buckaroo Banzai can be a millionaire test pilot particle physicist neurosurgeon rock star comic book hero martial arts expert race car driver sharpshooter who can speak twelve languages, your guy can be a smuggler.

Maybe I should make it political satire, a la George Orwell's Animal Farm, but shorter.

On another note relating to politics, is the new imaged in my sig's spoiler too... risque? Or offensive?